another drunk kitchen disaster
my friends are usually so good about giving me advice when i am drunk. as a matter of fact, as lexi dropped me off on the corner last night, she told me that if i returned home drunk, i should not try to open the amazon.com package waiting for me there b/c she was worried i might kill myself with the scissors or knife i tried to use. and i followed that advice.
unfortunately, by the time it was clear how drunk i was going to be when i returned home, there was no one around to tell me not to boil water when i got home. truly, nearly every time i get drunk someone tells me not to try to boil water when i get home. saunders once told me that if i was hungry when i got home, i should call him and he would make me food b/c he does not trust me in a kitchen when i am drunk. and really, who blames him?
there was the time first year when i got the pasta in the boiling water before falling asleep on the couch and waking up hours later to a charred clump of blackened spaghetti sitting in the now half-ruined pot. my apartment smelled of char and fire for the next few months. it was really not good.
then there was the time last year that i stayed awake long enough to get the pasta out of the water, but i poured the boiling water on my own stomach, searing off my flesh the week before we were to go to aruba to bask in the sun for a week and giving me an upside down christmas tree shaped scar.
and then there is last night, when i didn't even make it to the putting the pasta in the boiling water. instead, i woke up at 5am, walked into the kitchen and noticed how hot it was (b/c the stove had been on high for hours) and that my pot somehow now looked like this
and smelled vaguely of sulfur. so i think it might be ruined. but don't tell my stepmom b/c this is the second of the nice pots and pans she bought me that i have ruined. i mean, how does a pot even change colors to red? it's kind of amazing.
pretty much, if you ever live in an apartment building with me, you should really be sure to have renter's insurance. or you should give me a standing offer to let me wake you up and have you make me macaroni and cheese when i come home drunk, b/c at least that way i won't burn down your home.
unfortunately, by the time it was clear how drunk i was going to be when i returned home, there was no one around to tell me not to boil water when i got home. truly, nearly every time i get drunk someone tells me not to try to boil water when i get home. saunders once told me that if i was hungry when i got home, i should call him and he would make me food b/c he does not trust me in a kitchen when i am drunk. and really, who blames him?
there was the time first year when i got the pasta in the boiling water before falling asleep on the couch and waking up hours later to a charred clump of blackened spaghetti sitting in the now half-ruined pot. my apartment smelled of char and fire for the next few months. it was really not good.
then there was the time last year that i stayed awake long enough to get the pasta out of the water, but i poured the boiling water on my own stomach, searing off my flesh the week before we were to go to aruba to bask in the sun for a week and giving me an upside down christmas tree shaped scar.
and then there is last night, when i didn't even make it to the putting the pasta in the boiling water. instead, i woke up at 5am, walked into the kitchen and noticed how hot it was (b/c the stove had been on high for hours) and that my pot somehow now looked like this
and smelled vaguely of sulfur. so i think it might be ruined. but don't tell my stepmom b/c this is the second of the nice pots and pans she bought me that i have ruined. i mean, how does a pot even change colors to red? it's kind of amazing. pretty much, if you ever live in an apartment building with me, you should really be sure to have renter's insurance. or you should give me a standing offer to let me wake you up and have you make me macaroni and cheese when i come home drunk, b/c at least that way i won't burn down your home.
posted by laura at 8:00 PM
3 Comments:
Well, luckily we have electric appliances, so all is well in terms of fire. Well, sort of. But metal won't combust.
Anyhoo, YOU NEED TO THROW THAT POT OUT!!! THERE IS NO SALVAGING IT!!!
And you really need to get some microwavable pasta for nights such as these.
Here's a tip that always worked for my Mac and Cheese jones after a night of drinking. Keep Stouffers (or your other favorite microwaveable brand) mac and cheese in the freezer ahead of time. After you take it out of the box and put in in the microwave and start it cooking- the only thing that can happen is you pass out and it gets cold.
you guys are both brilliant. i am definitely investing in some easy mac or something. i am really excited about this! also, feeling a little stupid that i never thought of it before. alas.
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