lightheadedness and whatnot

so having begun this blog for the purpose of disseminating information about my latest medical condition, i realized that i have not yet done anything of the sort. now that i know i have a public, i must answer the call of duty and give you the story.

first, a bit of background. i am wildly hypocondriachal. to some degree, i truly am worried about any number of health ailments. and to some degree, i think it fits well with my drama queen personality. also, i have not even a rudimentary knowledge of health-related things. so basically i have been diagnosing myself with cancer about once a month since i was 18. if my knee hurts, i think it’s knee cancer. if i have a slight pain in my stomach, it’s stomach cancer. you get the point. sometimes it’s not cancer, but it’s always something fun. once, having put in a new pair of contacts, i sent my mother an e-mail with the subject line, “glaucoma? cataracts?”

which leads to my second background point. my parents are both doctors so i call them to have them diagnose me. i do this all the time. i figure that if i quit, my mother wouldn’t know i loved her. plus i think that my mom is one of the few people who has to love my weird, endearing quirks and i find this whole series of conversation to be classic laura. my mom has to love them. but i am starting to become more suspect of my mother’s diagnoses, as my friends have heard about the things my mom does and i believe. for example, last year i thought i had a brain tumor. or maybe it was brain cancer. whatever. so when i went home for christmas, my mom looked in my eyes with one of those little doctor tools and told me i didn’t have a brain tumor. i was willing to believe that this was a perfectly sound medical procedure for locating tumors. my friends are not so sure.

anyways, i recently decided to take a break from asking my mom for medical diagnoses. this was after i called with itchy legs and my mom diagnosed me with the early stages of diabetic neuropathy, which would have me gradually losing all sensation in my limbs, or with some sort of cancer. it turns out that my skin was a bit dry from having gone to a tanning bed b/f the law school semi-formal.

it was rada who diagnosed that problem, so i have decided to turn to my friends at the law school, clearly all health care professionals, for medical advice.

starting tuesday evening, i started to feel lightheaded a lot and like i might fall over whenever i stood up and walked around. so i got worried. and asked my friends. they first diagnosed me with an iron deficiency, which i was willing to believe b/c i do have totally screwy eating habits and it may have been a week since i ate red meat. but that only lasted about 8 hours b/c i went home and checked my daily vitamin and realized that it had 100% of my daily iron needs.

next, ajeet told me i might have low blood pressure brought on by dehydration. this also sounded like a very good idea. normally i drink a lot of water, but once again, maybe not this week. also, ajeet has mentioned that he would like to go to medical school. i figured this was very trustworthy advice and i followed up by drinking so much water i nearly exploded all over wednesday night trivia.

but alas, the next day i was feeling lightheaded and woozy and generally unpleasant again. so it was time to call in the big guns. my mom wasn’t answering her phone, so i went with dad. also, decades of medical training. however, he usually tells me it’s nothing. to his credit, he does this after asking me a series of questions. but still—nothing is not as much fun as brain cancer. i mean, you get way more cards and well-wishers when you have brain cancer. or i’m assuming. i still haven’t had brain cancer. anyways, when dad told me this was nothing, i decided to call mom to get a second opinion.

so mom went with her other fallback position—“oh this is just something that happens on my side of the family.” i don’t know how i had the misfortune of being born into this family, but you wouldn’t believe the medical ailments we all seem to have. searing pain in my right shoulder for days on end—oh yeah, we all get that. (my mom has a highly technical term for this. it’s our “pokey.”) turns out we all have terrible feet pains and that our muscles randomly freeze up and we can’t move every now and then. and now, it also turns out that we all have days or weeks of arbitrary lightheadedness. maybe when i get older this will be accompanied by nausea. score, i can hardly wait! so be forewarned and don’t procreate with me. just imagine the poor kids.

so in the end, it seems that my general wooziness is mostly gone, but i’ll be sure to tell you if that ceases to be the case. be sure to keep tuned for that.

in the meantime, i’ve got my latest theory. i think that someone is trying to poison me! i found this to be the most obvious answer and very fun. my mom thinks it’s crazy talk. but we’ll see who’s crazy when i die and someone slips into all 5 classes i’ve so carefully picked for next semester.

aren't you glad you didn't ask?